Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
