No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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