two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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