i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
