Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
