We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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