420 ftw
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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