He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
