im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
