see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
