Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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