Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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