I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
