Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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