remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Less talking, more tequila
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
