I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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