Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
this will be a night to untag.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
