You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
