I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
