Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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