The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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