Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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