So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
