Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
