god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
