Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
