apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize