Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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