I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Too much gin, very little bucket
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize