we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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