wrigley field is MILF paradise
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
please come you make the beer taste better
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
