I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
