I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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