I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You have to summon your inner elephant
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
