Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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