Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
