You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
