there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
