You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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