i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
