Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize