New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize