If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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