chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
