You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
