fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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