You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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