help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
