I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
