it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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