i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
