You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
