maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
