Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she smelled like a LAN party
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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