judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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