thus making me awesome and them whores
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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