If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
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