I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
