just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize