im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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