The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
