where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She's the barista slut.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
