I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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